Fed Up

Over the course of my life, I have lost enough weight to make up an entire person. Not all at once, mind you. Nope... I get rid of it, feel great for a while, get challenged by something of the emotional persuasion, gain it all back (and a few extra pounds for good measure) and then start the process all over again.

It's a horrible experience. But, it feels familiar. Which almost makes it comfortable in a twisted kinda way.

I acknowledged earlier this week that food is the only thing that has been consistently available to me throughout my life. Therefore, once upon a time when I was a very little girl, my little brain made an important link between eating and feeling good. So, I eat when I feel good. I also eat when I want to feel good. Who doesn't want to feel good?

For the past few months, as I've been regaining weight that I thought was gone forever, I've observed myself during meals. I have sat and thought, "I'm full," and then continued to eat. And then, "I'm full and I need to stop", only to continue to eat. "Okay, this is silly", my rational mind will say, "stop now, you've had more than enough," when there are about half a dozen bites of food left on the plate. And then there's a short, blank period.

Suddenly, the plate is clean and I'm so full it hurts. Shame overwhelms me. I consider going to the bathroom and purging, but I don't. That's too easy. A short term fix to a long term problem. I don't deserve that. I need to experience the consequences of my behaviour; the bloating, the searing sensation in my gut as my body tries to process the overload, the physical pain of the waistband of my pants cutting into my skin. Miserable, fat and stupid; trying to walk it off causes more discomfort so I sit until the feeling passes. Eventually, it does.

I promise myself that I won't do that again. It's not worth the pain. I'm smarter than that, there's no earthly reason to hurt myself like that, etc etc. Back on track I get, sometimes I lose the weight and sometimes it's just a few decent meals before BAM! something happens and there I go again.

I need to replace using food to meet my needs for love, security, comfort, acceptance and celebration with some other behaviour. I have no idea what that behaviour will be. I'm not even sure of what it could be. I am open to suggestion.