Belly Up

It's been 8 days since my last hangover. I'm counting for a reason. My drinking has given me cause for concern lately and being the product of a pair of practicing alcoholics I am all too familiar with the havoc alcoholism can wreak on a family.

I have an addictive personality and an incredibly active imagination. While the hedonist in me often has a very good time, it can be a scary combination. They say that knowledge is power and I suppose that having an awareness of these things is helpful in that it allows me to change and/or avoid certain behaviours.

I cannot gamble except under extremely controlled circumstances. For me that means having only the money I can afford to lose on my person. All forms of credit stay home. I do not gamble alone. I do not mix gambling and alcohol. If public transport is required to get home, I have to keep that money separate to the gambling money and even then it's not guaranteed that I won't be hoofing it. Best to give the taxi money to a friend to hold.

I cannot do cocaine, period. I did it once and had the time of my life. I have never felt as smart, confident, charming and sexy as I did that night. If I ever did it again, everything I own would go up my nose.

When I started chatting online, I was hooked immediately. I spent every possible moment in my cyber world. I used to describe it as an interactive novel. By the time my son was five he'd had enough. One day he said, "There's more to life than checking your email, Mom." That was a pretty serious wake up call and my children are very important to me, but in all honesty, I still struggle to respond appropriately to the people around me when I'm at the computer.

You know how some people eat when they are depressed? I eat for everything! Sad, lonely, bored, angry, overwhelmed, scared or happy - it doesn't matter what the occasion is, I'll eat for it. I am strongly considering trying a liquid diet to see if it will help me break the habit of stuffing myself.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this today. I imagine it's related to my hangover guilt and shame. Tomorrow, I'll start counting again.